Heather Sweeney is turning 50 this year, postmenopausal, newly settled into a life she consciously chose, and writing her next chapter in more ways than one. An author, mother of two young adults, and proud owner of a geriatric Labrador, Heather knows what it means to rebuild from the inside out. In this conversation, she speaks candidly about navigating divorce, the shock of being unprepared for menopause after a hysterectomy, and the emotional turbulence that no one warned her about. Her story is one of hindsight, resilience, and the quiet strength that comes from trusting yourself enough to change your life.
Who are you, and what season of midlife are you in right now?
I’m Heather Sweeney, author of the military divorce memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage. I’m also a postmenopausal mother of two young adults and a geriatric Labrador retriever. I live with my boyfriend in Virginia, where I’m working on my next book. And I’m turning 50 this year!
What surprised you most about midlife or menopause?
Menopause was a really tough time for me, although it was only in retrospect that I understood that menopause was the reason. I had a hysterectomy when I was 41, but kept my ovaries, so I didn’t go into instant menopause. However, my doctors neglected to suggest regular hormone testing to check for perimenopause, and because I no longer got periods, the only marker I was told to look for was hot flashes. By the time my hot flashes, brain fog, mood swings and night sweats reached unbearable levels, and I requested hormone testing, I was already postmenopausal.
I think the most surprising thing about menopause is how unprepared I was. My doctors didn’t warn me about everything I would endure, and for some reason, I thought the only symptom I would experience was hot flashes. But there’s so much more to it, and I wish I had been better prepared.
What’s been the hardest part that people don’t talk about?
The hardest part of menopause for me was probably the mood swings. One minute I was crying about a silly commercial on television, the next I felt about to explode with anger because the grocery store didn’t have an ingredient I needed. People often talk about the hot flashes and the physical challenges, but I don’t think women talk enough about the emotional struggles.
What has helped you most (a habit, a mindset shift, support, HRT or no HRT, community)?
I used HRT for about a year, which was a lifesaver. I finally felt normal again! Cutting down on sugar also helped me manage my menopause weight gain. I had no idea how much sugar my coffee creamer was loaded with, and just cutting that out of my daily coffee helped me shed some pesky pounds.
What are you unlearning?
I’m trying to unlearn FOMO. I’m unfortunately very susceptible to a fear of missing out, wishing I had something a friend has or that I could attend an event others are attending. But social media shows us highlight reels, expensive vacations, professional successes, perfect families, and it’s easy to get caught up in wishing you had what others are publicly sharing. But I try to remind myself to live my own life and remember that no one’s life is perfect, no matter how perfect it looks on social media.
What do you wish you could tell your 35-year-old self?
When I was 35, I didn’t know it yet, but I was very close to telling my then-husband I wanted a divorce, very close to my life completely changing in every way. If I could talk to that young woman, I would tell her to keep going, that the struggles of divorce would be so worth it. And I promise you won’t just survive after divorce, you’ll thrive. (I would also tell her to be more proactive with her doctor when she suspected menopause was kicking in!)
What do you want other women to know they’re not alone in?
I want other women to know they’re not alone in feeling like they’ve lost their identity. Whether it’s a loss of identity like I felt in my marriage, or it’s a mid-life realisation as empty nesting hits, it’s so common to feel like we don’t really know who we are anymore. But it’s important to know it’s never too late to rediscover yourself.
What’s one small ritual or practice that’s keeping you steady in your daily life?
Walking 10,000 steps a day. I know some experts say this is an arbitrary number and doesn’t necessarily contribute much to fitness levels, but I’m extremely goal-oriented and sometimes having that number in the back of my mind is the only reason I take breaks from my computer. I lift weights, have a spin bike at home, and practice yoga because I like to mix up my exercise routine. But the step goal helps me get outside in nature and sometimes even cures my writer’s block!
What stayed with me most in Heather’s answers is her honesty about identity. Losing yourself in a marriage. Losing your hormonal balance. Losing the version of you that once felt certain. And then, slowly, deliberately, finding your way back. HRT helped. Cutting sugar helped. Walking 10,000 steps a day helped. But more than anything, it was the decision to keep going, to choose herself, and to believe that thriving was possible on the other side of upheaval. If you’re in a season where you barely recognise yourself, let this be your reminder: it’s never too late to begin again, and the version of you waiting ahead may be stronger, steadier, and far more aligned than you ever imagined.
If you’d like to be part of the ‘5 Minutes With…’ series, or you know a woman whose voice would feel like medicine here, email me at hello@kiransinghuk.com. And if you’re reading this thinking, same, tell me in the comments: what are you unlearning in midlife?
Thanks so much for sharing my story!
Really enjoying these posts, Kiran!