Such an important topic Kiran, thanks for putting words to this experience that so many of us go through silently. Some of my relationships have fallen away over the past few years - those were the relationships dependent on me showing up in old patterns and versions of myself that I’ve outgrown. And what’s been really exciting and unexpected is that I’ve actually created an entire new community and group of soul friends who love me for who I am now and who I feel like I can be my current self around. It feels so deeply fulfilling to have these new people in my life, and I don’t know if there would have been space for them if I had held onto the relationships that were no longer aligned with who I am today.
Yes, Jessie. I think there’s something so powerful in what you’ve said about the space that becomes available when we stop holding onto relationships that only work when we’re playing an old version of ourselves.
And I love that your experience hasn’t just been about relationships falling away, but about discovering new soul friendships where you can actually be your current self. There’s something incredibly freeing about being around people who don’t need you to be who you used to be.
Perhaps that’s one of the unexpected gifts of midlife: we make space, and then realise there are people who were waiting for that space to exist.
“The current you, not the archive of you” names a real difficulty in long friendships. History can make someone feel known while leaving little room for who she has become. That may be why some full social lives still feel lonely.
Oh, this is such a good way of putting it. “The current you, not the archive of you” really captures what can make long friendships complicated in midlife. There can be so much love and history there, but sometimes the friendship is still relating to a version of you that no longer exists.
And that line about a full social life still feeling lonely is important too. You can be surrounded by people who know your history and still feel unseen in the present. I think part of midlife is becoming much more aware of the difference between being known for who you were and being seen for who you are now.
I always hesitate poking my head into "by and for women" pieces but I just waited to add that this can be just as helpful for men. I felt those same emotions Kiran. I still grive the loss of some friendships, but this brings hope: "Stop waiting for the right conditions to make new friends."
Marc, I really appreciate you saying this. While I write specifically for women, so much of what I explore is ultimately about being human; identity, friendship, loss, belonging, and what happens when the people and relationships that once fitted us no longer do. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that loss too. And yes, I think we are absolutely allowed to stop waiting for the “right” conditions and start creating the relationships and connections we want now. There is so much hope in that.
I love this, Kiran. Thank you for putting words to something that I don't think gets talked about often enough. There's a lot of discussion about how marriages and romantic partnerships can shift in midlife, but we hardly talk about how sometimes those shifts happen in friendships as well. And there really isn't the same kind of social playbook to know how to address that when it happens, even though it can be devastating to walk through. XO
Laurie, exactly this. We have so much language around romantic relationships changing in midlife, but friendships can shift just as profoundly, and sometimes the grief can be every bit as real. There really isn’t much of a social playbook for what to do when a friendship that once felt like home no longer fits the woman you’re becoming. I think that’s why we need to talk about it more openly, without assuming that every friendship has to be saved. And perhaps, alongside grieving what we’ve lost, we can give ourselves permission to make room for what might come next.
Such an important topic Kiran, thanks for putting words to this experience that so many of us go through silently. Some of my relationships have fallen away over the past few years - those were the relationships dependent on me showing up in old patterns and versions of myself that I’ve outgrown. And what’s been really exciting and unexpected is that I’ve actually created an entire new community and group of soul friends who love me for who I am now and who I feel like I can be my current self around. It feels so deeply fulfilling to have these new people in my life, and I don’t know if there would have been space for them if I had held onto the relationships that were no longer aligned with who I am today.
Yes, Jessie. I think there’s something so powerful in what you’ve said about the space that becomes available when we stop holding onto relationships that only work when we’re playing an old version of ourselves.
And I love that your experience hasn’t just been about relationships falling away, but about discovering new soul friendships where you can actually be your current self. There’s something incredibly freeing about being around people who don’t need you to be who you used to be.
Perhaps that’s one of the unexpected gifts of midlife: we make space, and then realise there are people who were waiting for that space to exist.
I think that’s true, it’s such a gift!
Thanks for sharing. Spot on.
❤️
“The current you, not the archive of you” names a real difficulty in long friendships. History can make someone feel known while leaving little room for who she has become. That may be why some full social lives still feel lonely.
Oh, this is such a good way of putting it. “The current you, not the archive of you” really captures what can make long friendships complicated in midlife. There can be so much love and history there, but sometimes the friendship is still relating to a version of you that no longer exists.
And that line about a full social life still feeling lonely is important too. You can be surrounded by people who know your history and still feel unseen in the present. I think part of midlife is becoming much more aware of the difference between being known for who you were and being seen for who you are now.
I always hesitate poking my head into "by and for women" pieces but I just waited to add that this can be just as helpful for men. I felt those same emotions Kiran. I still grive the loss of some friendships, but this brings hope: "Stop waiting for the right conditions to make new friends."
... dare I say I think we are?
Namaste
Marc, I really appreciate you saying this. While I write specifically for women, so much of what I explore is ultimately about being human; identity, friendship, loss, belonging, and what happens when the people and relationships that once fitted us no longer do. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that loss too. And yes, I think we are absolutely allowed to stop waiting for the “right” conditions and start creating the relationships and connections we want now. There is so much hope in that.
I love this, Kiran. Thank you for putting words to something that I don't think gets talked about often enough. There's a lot of discussion about how marriages and romantic partnerships can shift in midlife, but we hardly talk about how sometimes those shifts happen in friendships as well. And there really isn't the same kind of social playbook to know how to address that when it happens, even though it can be devastating to walk through. XO
Laurie, exactly this. We have so much language around romantic relationships changing in midlife, but friendships can shift just as profoundly, and sometimes the grief can be every bit as real. There really isn’t much of a social playbook for what to do when a friendship that once felt like home no longer fits the woman you’re becoming. I think that’s why we need to talk about it more openly, without assuming that every friendship has to be saved. And perhaps, alongside grieving what we’ve lost, we can give ourselves permission to make room for what might come next.